Category Archives: Humor

Death in Paradise

Fiction, Humor, Internet, Relationships, Review, Social Issues, Stuff, Video

My newest diversion … watching Death in Paradise on NETFLIX. British TV. Murder mystery. Crime solving. Humor.

A British inspector is transferred to Saint-Marie’s police department, but he hates the sun, sea, and sand. The series follow his investigations into murders on the island.

Actually the reviews below aren’t that favorable and include spoilers … but I am only on the second episode and I am enjoying it so far. I guess all shows eventually run their course.

Watch it if you can … (or not)

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_in_Paradise_(TV_series)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1888075/

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01pvmf6

Princess Leia’s Stolen Death Star Plans

Film, History, Humor, Music, News, Science Fiction, Space Travel, Video, ,

Five years in the making – from PALETTE-SWAP NINJA

Love Star Wars? Love the Beatles?
You’re gonna LOVE this …

http://www.paletteswapninja.com/

Tracks 1 & 2 “Princess Leia’s Stolen Death Star Plans” / “With Illicit Help From Your Friends”

 

Track 3 “Luke is in the Desert”

 

Track 4 “Never Better”

 

Track 5 “Imperial Holes”

 

Track 6 “He’s Leaving Home”

 

Track 7 “Being From the Spaceport of Mos Eisle”

 

Track 8 “The Force Within You”

 

Track 9 “AA Twenty-Three”

 

Track 10 “Dianoga”

 

Track 11 “Keep Moving Keep Moving”

 

Tracks 12 & 13 “Reprise/A Day in the Life of Red Five”

 


 

If you liked it, PLEASE consider tipping them at the link below

http://www.paletteswapninja.com/

Prius 13 Update

Economic Issues, Electric Vehicles, Humor, News, Rant, Science, Stuff, Technology, Welcome to the Future, , ,

Previously on Prius 13

    “I warned you not to stir the oxygen tanks,” my service writer replied.

    Houston, we have a problem.

    I noticed one of my warnings lights was on as I drove through the parking lot. No wait. ALL OF MY WARNING LIGHTS WERE ON. The main console was lit up like a Christmas tree. I pulled into a parking space and rebooted the car (aka turning it off and on). All of the warning lights stayed on and the primary notification window alternated between “CHECK PCS SYSTEM” and “CHECK HYBRID SYSTEM”.

    My Prius had gone Apollo 13 on me.

    With my luck, it’s the AE-35 Unit.

 It wasn’t the AE-35 Unit.

It was the Flux Capacitor … or the financial equivalent thereof.

 = = =

Thursday was a busy day at CatBeard Manor. The Mrs was back from the hospital but still wheelchair-bound. A plumber was out, reaming a decades-old clog from our plumbing to allow the upstairs toilet to flush without filling up the tub. A cable technician was out for the nth time troubleshooting my abysmal Internet performance. And finally, the first wave of physical therapy had arrived to evaluate the Mrs. So I was calling Toyota every hour or so trying to get an update on the Prius. No joy.

Late in the afternoon, after everyone had left my house, I decided to drive over to Toyota and talk in-person to my service writer. I drove the rental car to the front, parked, got out, and got a free cup of coffee in the lobby before stalking my service writer.

I walked up behind him and said “you’re a very difficult guy to get a hold of.”

“It’s been a goat rodeo here,” he replied.

“I came by to get some free coffee and while I was here decided to stop by and find out what was up with my Prius.”

I got a smile. “Let me go in the back and find out what’s going on.”

He was gone a long time.

When he came back he was carrying two sheets of paper. The first sheet of paper was a printout, the first line of which had HYBRID BATTERY with a bunch of Xs after it in various columns indicating various failed tests. The second sheet was blank save for handwritten numbers indicating cost of the part, tax, and labor. The total was $5600 or so.

$5600 Deep breath. Did I mention that I have been out of work since last February? I got laid off following my 15 year anniversary award with a major oil field services company. “Yeah I was afraid it would be this.” The discussion then went on to how I had read that the cost had come down and/or that individual battery cells could be replaced. Maybe, but not through Toyota. “Is there anyway this might be covered under warranty?” I asked. “Let’s find out,” he replies.

Typing ensues. Screens pop up on his monitor. He pulls out a little book and starts leafing through it. This goes on for what seems like an eternity. Then he reaches over to the sheet with $5600 handwritten on it, crumples it up with one hand, and tosses it in the trash. Now I am staring at a screen showing the warranty status of various subsystems for my car. Each them shows that it is out of warranty – EXCEPT for the HYBRID BATTERY. It is warranteed to 100,000 miles. My car has less than 100,000 miles on it.

“So,” I ask tentatively, “it’s under warranty?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“I want to kiss you.”

“Let’s not.”

“Agreed.”

He had some more paperwork to do, so I walked over to get more free coffee. Then I went to the car rental desk and requested a printout of the contract on the car had I rented the day before. I intended to try to get Toyota to comp me for the rental car, since it was warranty work. When I got back to the service desk, my service writer was way ahead of me. “You have a rental car, yes? We’ll cover that.” He called over to rental desk and made it so.

As I left, I shot him a thumbs-up. “Free replacement battery pack. Free rental car. Free coffee. Can’t beat that.”

He smiled. “Especially the free coffee. It may not be good, but it’s free.”

Prius 13

Economic Issues, Electric Vehicles, Humor, News, Rant, Science, Stuff, Technology, Welcome to the Future,

“I warned you not to stir the oxygen tanks,” my service writer replied.

Houston, we have a problem.

It has not been a good week at CatBeard Manor. Last Thursday the Mrs lost feeling, then function in her left leg. It was effectively “dead”. It had been bothering her for a while prior to this. (MS? Leg? Spine? MS? Leg? Spine?) She immediately called her neurologist, but it rolled over to voicemail. I broke out the wheelchair which we use from time to time when the Mrs feels particularly exhausted. Feeling and function returned over the weekend. I put away the wheelchair and broke out the walker. By Sunday evening she was “free walking” once again, unaided.

On Monday her left leg began acting up again. That afternoon I was out running errands when she called to say that the neurologist had called. “Go directly to the ER to be admitted to hospital for tests. Do not pass GO! Do not collect $200.” It was after 4 PM. I went home and collected the Mrs, the wheelchair, and several bags of supplies. We knew the drill. By the time they put her in an “observation” room they had run X-rays and a CAT scan of her head to rule out stroke, blood tests, and ultra-sound of her leg to rule out a blood clot. It was 2 AM Tuesday when she got to her room. I went home exhausted and got little sleep.

On Tuesday afternoon they scheduled her for cranial, cervical, and lumbar MRI (head, neck, back). She finished these up at 5 PM. I stayed until 10 PM, then left for home. Unable to fall asleep, I had a second mostly sleepless night.

When I got to the hospital today (Wednesday), I got the diagnosis that she had torn ligaments in her back from previous falls and probable degenerative disk disease causing irritation of nerves to her leg (a visit to the neurosurgeon who worked on my back several years ago would likely be in our future). They were sending her home with instructions to rest and a home health physical therapist would be set up to visit. She was scheduled to be discharged late in the afternoon.

I decided to run out and get some lunch. It was just before 2 PM. I walked out to parking lot, got into our 2010 Prius, and drove off. I noticed one of my warnings lights was on as I drove through the parking lot. No wait. ALL OF MY WARNING LIGHTS WERE ON. The main console was lit up like a Christmas tree. I pulled into a parking space and rebooted the car (aka turning it off and on). All of the warning lights stayed on and the primary notification window alternated between “CHECK PCS SYSTEM” and “CHECK HYBRID SYSTEM”.

My Prius had gone Apollo 13 on me.

I drove straight to my nearby Toyota dealer, waited to get my favorite service writer and told him my Prius had gone Apollo 13. “I warned you not to stir the oxygen tanks,” he replied. They would not even be able to begin troubleshooting on it until tomorrow. With my luck, it’s the AE-35 Unit.

Anyway, I went over to the rental counter and while waiting I got a call from the Mrs informing me that she was being discharged. I arrived in time in the rental car to pick her up at front door (an aid brought her down in her wheelchair with all of our gear).

Tomorrow is another day.

We all live in a …

History, Humor, Scotch

If you don’t read this article your life will be the lesser for it.

Very conveniently, the yellow vessel had ‘Ministry of Defence’ and a telephone number stencilled on it, which was of course immediately called. What happened next was to become the stuff of legend. He was connected to the Royal Navy. “I have found your yellow submarine” said John. “We haven’t lost a yellow submarine” said the Navy. Which was an odd response as the evidence to the contrary was overwhelming. 

https://www.bruichladdich.com/article/yellow-submarine

Black

Humor, Internet, Music, Technology, Video, , , ,

Black is the new #FFFFFF

  
Once you go #000000, you never <input type=”button” value=”Go Back” onclick=”history.back(-1)” />

  
Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF, sugar is #FFFFFF, and so is

  

So is 

 

With apologies to

 

 Notes:

#FFFFFF is the hexadecimal Red-Green-Blue (RGB) code for white

#000000 is the hexadecimal code for black

#FF0000 is the hexadecimal code for red

#0000FF is the hexadecimal code for blue

Power of gold …

Apple, Humor, News, Opinion, Review, Technology, Video, , ,

MacBook (Retina, 12-inch, Early 2015) Gold

I ordered one of the new MacBooks. It arrived on Thursday. 

For many years I have not had a computer at home, just various iPads and iPhones. This was all I needed for my online activities. I had multiple computers at work, I didn’t need one at home.

All of that changed a week ago Friday. It is easier to update one’s resume on a laptop than on an iPad.

Let’s just say that I was as excited as a little girl with a new pony to get it, but don’t take my word for it …

“and a hard drive of five hundred and twelve megs” megs??? I hate it when I do that … Gigs! Not that bad considering it is all solid state.

  

Wish me luck on coming up with a kick-ass resume otherwise I may end up like this guy

 
  

That Little Red Haired Girl

Horror, Humor, HZV, The Nudist War, Zombies, ,

Taking the shotgun, Eddy took off across the parking lot toward the hotel. No matter how fast he tried to run, it never seemed to get any closer. Finally, finally he reached the courtyard. Eddy looked over his shoulder, the Zs were gaining on him. He turned and fired; once, twice. Click. Out of ammo. “Oh shit,” he yelled. He started running again, but another group of Zs had outflanked him. He was surrounded; the only way out was up. He jumped up as high as he could and grabbed on to the ledge of a second floor balcony. As he tried to pull himself up, the nearest Z grabbed his ankle with both its hands and sank its teeth into Eddy’s foot. Eddy kicked at it with his other foot, but lost his grip and fell in slow-motion down, down, down onto the Zs. Now they were on top of him; biting and clawing. Eddy punched and clawed and bit them back – anything to escape.

Suddenly he was alone on the ground, lying on his back. A beautiful naked woman with firm perky breasts and hard erect nipples began to climb on top of him. He stared in awe at her exotic animal beauty. Her skin was smooth and slightly freckled, bronzed with a healthy tan. She had long red hair that hung down, encircling his face. Her deep green eyes studied him intently. They were like pools in an oasis in the middle of a parched, arid desert. Eddy felt as if he could swim forever in those eyes. She ripped his shirt open, buttons scattering on the pavement, and she begin to nuzzle his chest. “So beautiful,” he thought, “so beautiful.” She moved her face directly in front of his. Her lips brushed sensuously across his. He found himself wishing she would linger there a bit longer. She moved her lips further up his face and gently kissed his nose … then bit it off. A bit of blood dripped out of her mouth as she chewed, crunching the nasal cartilage.

Eddy screamed.

• • •

Eddy sat bolt upright on his cot, trying to figure out where he was. He was drenched in sweat and shaking noticeably. “Damn! Damn these dreams!”

Copyright © 2014 by Christian Bergman, All rights reserved.

Originally published on March 16th, 2014

Please … STOP BLOGGING

Art, Blogging, Cats, Essay, Fiction, Humor, Opinion, Photography, Rant, Reading, Relationships, Social Issues, , ,

 

I … can’t … keep … up

Seriously, stop blogging. Just for a day or two. 

Please …

How did it get this bad?

It started simply enough. I decided to automatically follow anyone who liked or commented on any one of my posts. Then to make sure that I read them, I went to “Blogs I Follow” and made sure I got an email notification for every new post. I figured that anyone who liked or commented on one of my posts was a like-minded spirit and would be interesting to follow. More or less this turned out to be a correct assumption.

Others turned out not so much. Some had long, rambling (boring) tl;dr posts that I just couldn’t wade through. Some posted every minute of every day and flooded my email with posts. Some posted on topics that were of absolutely no interest to me. So for these I went back to “Blogs I Follow” and turned off email notification.

Now I was down to the blogs that were interesting. Your blogs. Your stories. Your cats. Your photos. Your news. Your ideas. Your humor. Your successes. Your fears. Your emotions. All of it good. All of it interesting.

  

Even as I write this, the email counter ratchets upward. Notifications are coming in faster than I can delete them. But I can’t just delete them. I have to look at them in order to delete them and then I read them and then I click on the link and go to the post and then I read the comments and by the time I’m done more notifications have come in. Even worse I may decide to reblog one. By the time I’m done, yet more notifications are in my mailbox.

  

I originally started this blog a few years ago as a venue for writing Fiction and autobiographical history. Then I started adding cat photos. Then reblogs of interesting posts and videos. Now I can’t even keep up with the blogs I follow.

 

 
(help…)
  

(please …)

  

Eduardo sighted in the Bahamas

Cats, Fiction, Humor, Photography, Reblog, , ,

Eduardo, that suave and sophisticated Company Man, has been spied (excuse the pun) in the Bahamas. 

What has he been doing since he was last being seen frequenting a New Mexico brothel … who can say? What brings him to the haunt of that other famous Company Man whose name must be withheld for security reasons Bond, James Bond … business or pleasure?

When interviewed for this story, a local barkeep admitted to serving a patron fitting Eduardo’s description, but said he did not catch his name. “He was cool, that one. Cold blooded. Bit of a spook if you ask me. Wanted his martini shaken, not stirred, with a twist of cricket. His eyes kept darting around as if he was expecting trouble, then without as much as a by your leave, he flicked out his tongue and caught a fly in mid-air. Threw up up a bit in my mouth, I did. Not much of a talker. Left me a good tip though. He’s  welcome back any time.”

  
Photo Credit Tom von Kapherr
http://catsatthebar.org/2015/12/04/birds-turtles-and-a-geko/