Category Archives: Satire

Barometer | 100 Word Story

States the Professor, “Using a barometer, determine the height of the Physics building.”

Answers Student One, “Determine the atmospheric pressure at the top and base of the building. From the density of air and the pressure difference, calculate the height.” 

Answers Student Two, “Throw the barometer off the roof and time how long it takes to fall. From the acceleration of gravity and simple calculus, calculate the height.” 

Finally Student Three answers, “Find the superintendent of the Physics building. Tell him that you will give him this really nice barometer if he tells you the exact height of the building.” 


Observation: The hardest part was keeping track of the word count and juggling to get exactly 100 words.

This is a famous story with several variations. I first heard it many many years ago. See:

Cats Vs. Zombies

Cats Zombies nuf said

Late to the Theater

Everyone can stop making zombie movies now because this one IS EVERYTHING.

You: “Hey wait, didn’t this blog sometimes post movie reviews?”

Me: “Totes! I have just been swamped with life/the universe/EVERYTHING lately and haven’t had time to watch, much less think about much! I’ll get back to the movies just in time…. for HORROR MOVIE MONTH!! WOOOO!!!!”

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Shizzle, Inc is on Amazon Kindle bestseller list!!!

Shizzle, Inc.

Fo shizzle my nizzle!

Two chapters in and I can absolutely recommend it …

Ana Spoke, author

Aaaaaa!!! I was just climbing into bed to start working on my blog tour spreadsheet and decided to stare at my Amazon link one more time. I’m tired after a full day of spreadsheeting and bullshitting at work, so I thought seeing Isa’s face would give me the much-needed boost. Then I noticed this:

Screenshot (13)

This must be some kind of a mistake, I thought. So I clicked on a link, which took me to Top 100 Paid Titles in Humour. And there she was, my creation, with a number 72 next to it:

Screenshot (12)

I’m speechless. Good thing that I can still type, so that I can “say” thank you to those who bought my book. Regardless of what happens next, you’ve made my dream come true.

Big, big hugs.


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OCTO X Whiskey Review

08.8/ 2064 PPM
88% ABV

From the website:

Peated to an exospheric 2064 PPM, eight times that of the previous record holder OCTOMORE 06.3/, this extraordinary dram embodies its Islay origins and carries its phenol count like a Falcon soaring into the sky.


Mind blowing in potency with perfect balance. The texture is like molten gold straight out of the furnace, the taste rich with an intense character that can only be found on Islay and the Atlantic beaches of sunny Florida.

Vibrant yellow, blinding in its brightness. 

It opens with a roar of ignition, thundering pulsing waves of searing heat driving a scorching hurricane onto the beach and incinerating the wild plants before it. Notes of charred concrete and superheated rebar drift across the nose, followed by an onslaught of smoke as if all of the peat bogs of Scotland were ablaze at once. Ozone and a hint of unburned kerosene dance in perfect harmony with the strong uplifting peatiness of the Islay grown barley. It is literally unlike anything else.

Heat. Heat and flame and more heat. Heat infused with smoke and heat and more smoke. The lips and tongue are reminded of the sensation of smoking a pipe – an exhaust pipe. As the heat builds it is accompanied by the spontaneous detonation of road flares and flash bangs. It is a taste like no other, a whiskey on fire, uncut, unfiltered, unthrottled. This is scorchery.

Long and hard. The ears continue to ring long after lips, tongue, and throat have lost the ability to feel pain. It evokes memories of every rocket that ever exploded on the launch pad or during flight. Join us as we look to the past while rocketing into the future.

The heat and smoke just keep increasing to the point where it is driving you crazy with joy and you want to call the paramedics and tell them what is happening. Relax and keep it to yourself – no one will believe you. 

• • •

OCTO X is the result of a unique collaboration between Bruichladdich – the makers of OCTOMORE and SpaceX – the worlds preeminent commercial space launch company. After traditional roasting at Bruichladdich’s Port Charlotte distillery, the malt is flown by chartered private jet (flying non-stop zero-G parabolas) to the SpaceX launch facility at Space Launch Complex 40 at Cape Canaveral Air Force Station on the South Florida East Coast. Here it is lovingly shoveled into the flame trough of the SLC 40 launch pad for a second roasting during the launch of a Falcon 9 rocket. 

After launch, the roasted malt is then returned to Islay for additional roasting, fermentation, and distillation. For five long slow years it rests in octuple-charred barrels of American White Oak breathing in the sea air of Islay and mellowing the fires of its birth. It is then “finished” in the reclaimed fuel tanks of a used Falcon 9 first stage.

The name OCTO X pays homage to the Octomore farm from which its barley was produced, the OCTOWEB engine arrangement of the latest generation on Falcon 9 rocket, and of course SpaceX without who’s cooperation this unique dram would not have been possible.




 • • •


This is of course a work of pure fiction. Parody. Satire. 

As you know I love peated whisky. The smokier the better. The Islay whiskies are the smokiest of all. My whisky cabinet is replete with a variety of Islay whiskies. When I can find it (and afford it) one of my favorites is Bruichladdich OCTOMORE. I am also a big fan of Elon Musk and SpaceX. A quick search of this blog will reveal many posts covering Bruichladdich, OCTOMORE, and SpaceX.

While researching my post on OCTOMORE 06.3/ 258 PPM I ran across a YouTube review of OCTOMORE by someone who clearly did NOT like peated whisky. That got me thinking about writing a review for a fictitious peated whisky that was so clearly over the top that even peat lovers would get a chuckle out of it. OCTO X is this whisky.

This post is a tribute to Bruichladdich and SpaceX, whose forward thinking are propelling us into the 21st century and beyond.

See also  OCTOMORE 06.3/ 258 PPM

Happy Aniversary

To me …


The Cost of Ignorance

We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology, in which hardly anyone knows anything about science and technology.

We have also arranged things so that almost no one understands science and technology. This is a prescription for disaster. We might get away with it for a while, but sooner or later this combustible mixture of ignorance and power is going to blow up in our faces.

Carl Sagan

Continue reading The Cost of Ignorance

A Brief History of Everything

Continue reading A Brief History of Everything

Top 10 …

Top 10 Observations of an old White Guy on Race Relations in the New Millennium

Number 10
Barrack Obama may be the coolest, hippest, Nobel Prize winningest President the US has ever had, but he is not the blackest. Bill Clinton still holds that title.

Continue reading Top 10 …

Second Amendment

Guns, lots of guns

Earlier this year I wrote a piece of satire titled ATF, a post-apocalyptic strategy based on the stockpiling of alcohol, tobacco, and firearms. Although satirical in nature, and intended to be humorous, there is much truth, I believe, in that essay.

Continue reading Second Amendment

Re: Your Brains

Jonathan Coulton is a genius. Who else could give us office politics disguised as a zombie anthem.

If you are a fan of Day 42, Ranger Martin, World War Z, Shaun of the Dead, or any of the other zombie apocalyptic classics … and you haven’t heard Re: Your Brains, then this is for you.

(just one of many YouTube videos based on the song)

[I watched this several times before it finally clicked. Can anyone tell me what city is in the backdrop of the video?]

Be seeing you …

Heya Tom, it’s Bob from the office down the hall
It’s good to see you buddy, how’ve you been?
Things have been OK for me except that I’m a zombie now
I really wish you’d let us in
I think I speak for all of us when I say I understand
Why you folks might hesitate to submit to our demand
But here’s an FYI: you’re all gonna die screaming

All we want to do is eat your brains
We’re not unreasonable, I mean, no one’s gonna eat your eyes
All we want to do is eat your brains
We’re at an impasse here, maybe we should compromise:
If you open up the doors
We’ll all come inside and eat your brains

I don’t want to nitpick, Tom, but is this really your plan?
Spend your whole life locked inside a mall?
Maybe that’s OK for now but someday you’ll be out of food and guns
And you’ll have to make the call
I’m not surprised to see you haven’t thought it through enough
You never had the head for all that bigger picture stuff
But Tom, that’s what I do, and I plan on eating you slowly

All we want to do is eat your brains
We’re not unreasonable, I mean, no one’s gonna eat your eyes
All we want to do is eat your brains
We’re at an impasse here, maybe we should compromise:
If you open up the doors
We’ll all come inside and eat your brains

I’d like to help you Tom, in any way I can
I sure appreciate the way you’re working with me
I’m not a monster Tom, well, technically I am
I guess I am

I’ve got another meeting Tom, maybe we could wrap it up
I know we’ll get to common ground somehow
Meanwhile I’ll report back to my colleagues who were chewing on the doors
I guess we’ll table this for now
I’m glad to see you take constructive criticism well
Thank you for your time I know we’re all busy as hell
And we’ll put this thing to bed
When I bash your head open

All we want to do is eat your brains
We’re not unreasonable, I mean, no one’s gonna eat your eyes
All we want to do is eat your brains
We’re at an impasse here, maybe we should compromise:
If you open up the doors
We’ll all come inside and eat your brains


Tonight’s word is satire

Your homework exercise tonight is to look up the definition of satire and then find examples on the web.

One must be careful not confuse satire (or even comedy) with reality.

Be seeing you …

Carbon Dioxide

While the debate rages on about whether the Earth is actually heating or cooling, there is hard evidence that global carbon dioxide levels have been increasing. Many blame the increasing use of motor fuel in an increasing global fleet of vehicles for the rise in carbon dioxide. Others point to the increasing use of coal and natural gas to generate electricity. I propose a different explanation. I blame paper recycling, the Internet, and Digital Media.

The Carbon Sequestration Cycle

To understand the issue, one must understand the Carbon Sequestration Cycle. Trees pull carbon dioxide out of air, turning it to wood. The wood in the trees sequesters (that is, captures) the carbon. As long as the wood isn’t burned, the carbon (and carbon dioxide) stay locked up forever.

Paper Recycling

There is no doubt that mankind has steadily been increasing the use of fossil fuels throughout the twentieth and early twenty-first centuries. This increase in the use of fossil fuels had an associated increase in carbon dioxide production. Fortunately the increase in carbon dioxide was mostly offset by the publishing and newspaper industries. Millions of trees were cut down in support of the paper industry. The paper made from these trees was used for books, magazines, and newspapers. These books, magazines, and newspapers effectively sequestered the carbon dioxide pulled out of the air. New trees were planted to replace the trees cut down. These trees grew, pulling carbon dioxide out of the air and were eventually cut down to make more paper.

In the mid-twentieth century, newspaper readership was high. Trees pulled carbon dioxide out of the air. They were cut down to make paper. This paper was used for newspapers that were read once and then buried in landfills, safely locking away the carbon and carbon dioxide. Books were also very popular. People bought books for their libraries. Parents bought encyclopedias for their children. People safely held the carbon in their homes for years. When they grew tired of the books, off to the landfills went the books. Magazines followed the same path as newspapers, read once and off to the landfills, with a few exceptions. Many magazines found their way to doctor’s office waiting rooms where they safely sequestered carbon and carbon dioxide for decades. One magazine was particularly successful at carbon sequestration, National Geographic. Although it was considered technically legal to throw away a copy of National Geographic, no one ever did. National Geographics piled up in bathrooms, attics, basements, spare bedrooms, and in extreme cases living rooms, kitchens, and master bedrooms. Any carbon that made it into a National Geographic was guaranteed to be permanently sequestered.

This happy process continued until the 1980s, when a bunch of whiney liberals convinced everyone that we were running out of landfills and killing too many trees. Boo hoo. The idea of paper recycling was born. Soon schools, neighborhoods, churches, scout troops, and everyone else was recycling and having paper drives. Every year fewer trees were cut down. Every year less paper went to the landfills. Trees grew old and died without being cut down. Dead trees caught fire releasing deadly carbon dioxide back into the atmosphere.

The Internet

Following close on the heals of paper recycling, comes the Internet. Once people get Internet access they inevitably stop buying and reading newspapers and get all of their news from the web. Not only does Internet access result in reduced carbon sequestration, but studies show that the typical Google search on a desktop computer produces about 7g of carbon dioxide (source US physicist Alex Wissner-Gross). Google disputes these figures, but of course they would, wouldn’t they.

Not only does the Internet reduce the amount of carbon sequestration due to reduced paper in landfills, but millions of people making millions of Google, Bing, and Yahoo queries use enough fossil fuel to put millions of grams of carbon dioxide into the air every minute.

Digital Media

The final nail in the natural carbon sequestration process is Digital Media. The rise in popularity of eBooks, online magazines and newspapers is the death knell for carbon sequestration. Toddlers can be seen with iPads, Kindles, and Nooks instead of the carbon capturing books of their grandparents. No longer do we find dictionaries and encyclopedias sitting on shelves safely locking up deadly carbon dioxide. Even National Geographic, that bastion of carbon sequestration has gone digital.

The latest fad is the paperless office. With digital documents and PDFs, even the office printer has been thwarted in its noble role of producing carbon capturing printouts destined for the landfill.

What can I do?

All is not lost. By following some simple steps you can do your part to save the Earth from the evil poison that is carbon dioxide.

  • Restart your newspaper subscription.
  • Subscribe to several magazines, especially National Geographic.
  • Buy real books.
  • Buy an encyclopedia.
  • The next time you are tempted to Google something, try looking it up in an encyclopedia, dictionary, atlas, or catalog.
  • Remember, only you can prevent forest fires. Old trees burn. Young ones don’t. The next time you get a PDF, don’t read it on the screen. Print it out, single-sided and say “Make mine in triplicate!”


    The Nudist War serialized novel has got me thinking about supplies one might want to stock up on in the event of SHTF or TEOTWAWKI scenarios. There are plenty of survival and doomsday prepper sites on the web, I won’t attempt to address everything. One thing is almost certain, in a truly catastrophic situation money will become worthless. Even gold may loose its luster – you can’t eat gold. Enter Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms.


    If you drink, stocking up on a good supply of your favorite spirits only makes sense. For one, it won’t go bad. For another, you can always drink it even if the world doesn’t go to hell in a hand basket. If you stock a variety, you will always have a selection at home without the need to go to the store if unexpected guests stop by. If you stock a good supply, you will never need to risk an inebriated trip to the liquor store to restock. Spirits last forever and don’t take up a lot of storage space. Imbibed spirits can be used as an anesthetic. High-proof spirits can be used as an antiseptic and, in special cases, fuel. If the world does go to hell in a hand basket, chances are you or someone you know will need a good stiff drink. Perhaps most important, your spirit hoard can be used to barter for other goods, like food or medicine. Last but not least, nothing Wins Friends and Influences People like being the local barkeep in an otherwise dry town.


    Fewer and fewer people smoke these days, at least in the States. If you are a smoker, imagine suddenly having to go cold turkey because the supply has dried up. Stocking up on your favorite smokes only makes sense. Even if you aren’t a smoker, stocking up on an assortment of tobacco products, will give you a valuable currency. In this case hermetically sealed tobacco tins and rolling papers could be a good investment.

    Consider this, in the late ’80s and early ’90s, Americans working in Russia would buy cartons of duty-free Marlboro Red hard box cigarettes before clearing customs. The cigarettes were used as tips and were very popular. Russians at that time were heavy smokers and really liked the Marlboro Red hard packs. Even if the recipient didn’t smoke, they could always use them as a non-depreciating currency.


    Of course you will need be able to defend your hoard of Alcohol and Tobacco. Nothing does this better than a good supply of Firearms and ammunition. When SHTF or TEOTWAWKI arrives, you may face hoards of have-nots trying to take what you have. Without your own private arsenal, you will only be able to hold them off so long with free samples of spirit and smokes. Nothing says BACK OFF quite like the snappy report of an AR-15 or a few well placed shotgun blasts. Of course nothing but your own personal arsenal will do in the event of Zombie Apocalypse.

    We’re not talking Concealed Carry or Stand Your Ground either. We’re talking crossed bandoleers, dual holsters, semi-auto shotgun and/or rifle, plus Concealed Carry. Think of Neo in The Matrix, you need “guns, lots of guns.”

    And bullets, lots and lots of bullets … and shotgun shells, plus reloading equipment and supplies. Your extra ammo can also be used for barter. Of course make sure you can trust those you barter with using ammo, or you risk losing you alcohol and tobacco.

    So there you have it. ATF … your key to survival.