Category Archives: Humor

Dictation

The Mrs has MS (Multiple Sclerosis), diagnosed over a decade ago. It is what it is. We deal with it.

I got an email from a former colleague who also happened to be the father of my son’s best friend from high school. He and his wife are staunch southern Baptists. “How was [the Mrs] doing?” he asked.

Using the dictation feature of my iPad, I dictated:

“OK, but she is currently suffering from an MS exacerbation.”

  

  

Just before hitting send, I decided to proofread the email and read the following:

“OK, but she is currently suffering from excess masturbation.”

  

###################

 

True story. When I tried to read it back to my wife, every time I got to “suffering from” I would begin laughing so hard I had to start over. It must have taken me a half dozen attempts before it could read it all the way through.

Barometer | 100 Word Story

States the Professor, “Using a barometer, determine the height of the Physics building.”

Answers Student One, “Determine the atmospheric pressure at the top and base of the building. From the density of air and the pressure difference, calculate the height.” 

Answers Student Two, “Throw the barometer off the roof and time how long it takes to fall. From the acceleration of gravity and simple calculus, calculate the height.” 

Finally Student Three answers, “Find the superintendent of the Physics building. Tell him that you will give him this really nice barometer if he tells you the exact height of the building.” 

###############

Observation: The hardest part was keeping track of the word count and juggling to get exactly 100 words.

This is a famous story with several variations. I first heard it many many years ago. See:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barometer_question

http://www.snopes.com/college/exam/barometer.asp

The Martian 3D

I just saw The Martian in 3D on the wide screen.

Excellent. Seriously excellent. The cinematography was superb. So was the acting. Although there was scrupulous attention paid to the scientific and technological aspects, it did not in any way overshadow the human drama. There was humor. There was frustration. There was elation. Aspects of Apollo 13 and Castaway were strong. There were even reminisces of 2001 A Space Odyssey (without the monolith, monkey men, or crazed computer). I would see this again in the theater.

I previously posted that I had listened to the unabridged audio book. The movie was true to the book, somehow condensing 10hr 53min down to 2hr 21min without loosing anything. Yes, yes the book goes into much more detail on the underlying science and isolation of Mark Watney, but you can read the book later.

GO SEE THIS MOVIE IN 3D


  


  

  

GO SEE THIS MOVIE IN 3D

  

  

http://www.foxmovies.com/movies/the-martian

Where’s Pickles?

Got up this morning late for work. Hillary is chasing me around the kitchen … “mew, mew, mew, mew

“OK, ok. Do you want cookies? Yes? Where’s Pickles?” No Pickles. I shake the bag of cookies. No Pickles. Shouting and shaking the cookies, “Pickles … cookies! Pickles?” Still no Pickles.

Now I am getting worried. Each of the cats has been locked in a closet and forgotten at least once. They run in when you aren’t looking and hours later (when I go hunting) I find them. 

Pantry? No Pickles.

Laundry room? No Pickles.

Under-stairway closet? No Pickles.

Bedroom closets? No Pickles.

Has Number 2 son left for class? Walk out the the back door through the laundry room. His car is gone. Did Pickles get out? (He is an indoor cat only). I yell into the back yard, “PICKLES.” 

NO PICKLES

Now I am really worried. I walk back inside. Back through the laundry room. “Pickles???????”

Open the door into the kitchen. Pickles is looking up at me … dazed and confused. “Where were you? Cookies?” “M’yawow” I take that to mean yes. So they get their cookies.

Mrs yells something at me from the bedroom. She had spent the night dozing in the third zero-gravity chair she has in the bedroom (sometimes she sleeps better in her chair). After I had been shouting COOKIES for a while she noticed something stirring under the covers. Pickles finally emerged groggily from a deep sleep.

Then I remembered. Pickles had jumped up on the bed in the middle of the night, damp from playing in the shower. We run the AC cold and he was cold. He crawled down under the covers next to me and passed out. I had forgotten about him. 

 
 

Cats Vs. Zombies

Cats Zombies nuf said

Late to the Theater

Everyone can stop making zombie movies now because this one IS EVERYTHING.

You: “Hey wait, didn’t this blog sometimes post movie reviews?”

Me: “Totes! I have just been swamped with life/the universe/EVERYTHING lately and haven’t had time to watch, much less think about much! I’ll get back to the movies just in time…. for HORROR MOVIE MONTH!! WOOOO!!!!”

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Shizzle, Inc is on Amazon Kindle bestseller list!!!

Shizzle, Inc.

Fo shizzle my nizzle!

Two chapters in and I can absolutely recommend it …

Ana Spoke, author

Aaaaaa!!! I was just climbing into bed to start working on my blog tour spreadsheet and decided to stare at my Amazon link one more time. I’m tired after a full day of spreadsheeting and bullshitting at work, so I thought seeing Isa’s face would give me the much-needed boost. Then I noticed this:

Screenshot (13)

This must be some kind of a mistake, I thought. So I clicked on a link, which took me to Top 100 Paid Titles in Humour. And there she was, my creation, with a number 72 next to it:

Screenshot (12)

I’m speechless. Good thing that I can still type, so that I can “say” thank you to those who bought my book. Regardless of what happens next, you’ve made my dream come true.

Big, big hugs.

Ana

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Don’t google ‘Autocorrect Fails’ if you have anywhere to be soon…

The joy of autocorrect and/or dictation on the iPhone/iPad.

I once dictated a letter to some old family friends who happen to be staunch Baptists. Thankfully I proofed it before sending. When I tried to tell my wife about it it, it took about a dozen attempts before I could get through it without bursting into eye-watering laughter.

Actual message: She is suffering from an MS exacerbation
As dictated/autocorrected: She is suffering from excess masturbation

A Girl In Europe

or don’t want to pee your pants laughing.

i hate autocorrect, autocorrect makes me sound ducking stupid! But I do have to  admit she’s been pretty kind to me unlike to these poor and unsuspecting people…

imageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageimage

There are worst ones but I can’t risk my mum telling me of soo….

Love ROHN

(Thanks autocorrect)

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My God, it’s Full of STARS…

This is absolutely amazing. Everyone should see this. If you like it please, please reblog this on your site too …

Late to the Theater

What if every club in the cinematic multiverse intersected at one, single point?

BEHOLD. The greatest action/sci-fi/crime thriller/horror film mashup in the history of EVER!

Seriously, I could not stop laughing and clapping and grooving. Every time a new face popped up I was like ‘NO WAY BUT YES!’

Made by this genius: ANTONIO MARIA DA SILVA AMDSFILMS

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OCTO X Whiskey Review

OCTO X
08.8/ 2064 PPM
88% ABV

From the website:

Peated to an exospheric 2064 PPM, eight times that of the previous record holder OCTOMORE 06.3/, this extraordinary dram embodies its Islay origins and carries its phenol count like a Falcon soaring into the sky.

TASTING NOTES

Character
Mind blowing in potency with perfect balance. The texture is like molten gold straight out of the furnace, the taste rich with an intense character that can only be found on Islay and the Atlantic beaches of sunny Florida.

Colour
Vibrant yellow, blinding in its brightness. 

Nose
It opens with a roar of ignition, thundering pulsing waves of searing heat driving a scorching hurricane onto the beach and incinerating the wild plants before it. Notes of charred concrete and superheated rebar drift across the nose, followed by an onslaught of smoke as if all of the peat bogs of Scotland were ablaze at once. Ozone and a hint of unburned kerosene dance in perfect harmony with the strong uplifting peatiness of the Islay grown barley. It is literally unlike anything else.

Palate 
Heat. Heat and flame and more heat. Heat infused with smoke and heat and more smoke. The lips and tongue are reminded of the sensation of smoking a pipe – an exhaust pipe. As the heat builds it is accompanied by the spontaneous detonation of road flares and flash bangs. It is a taste like no other, a whiskey on fire, uncut, unfiltered, unthrottled. This is scorchery.

Finish
Long and hard. The ears continue to ring long after lips, tongue, and throat have lost the ability to feel pain. It evokes memories of every rocket that ever exploded on the launch pad or during flight. Join us as we look to the past while rocketing into the future.

Mood
The heat and smoke just keep increasing to the point where it is driving you crazy with joy and you want to call the paramedics and tell them what is happening. Relax and keep it to yourself – no one will believe you. 

• • •

OCTO X is the result of a unique collaboration between Bruichladdich – the makers of OCTOMORE and SpaceX – the worlds preeminent commercial space launch company. After traditional roasting at Bruichladdich’s Port Charlotte distillery, the malt is flown by chartered private jet (flying non-stop zero-G parabolas) to the SpaceX launch facility at Space Launch Complex 40 at Cape Canaveral Air Force Station on the South Florida East Coast. Here it is lovingly shoveled into the flame trough of the SLC 40 launch pad for a second roasting during the launch of a Falcon 9 rocket. 

After launch, the roasted malt is then returned to Islay for additional roasting, fermentation, and distillation. For five long slow years it rests in octuple-charred barrels of American White Oak breathing in the sea air of Islay and mellowing the fires of its birth. It is then “finished” in the reclaimed fuel tanks of a used Falcon 9 first stage.

The name OCTO X pays homage to the Octomore farm from which its barley was produced, the OCTOWEB engine arrangement of the latest generation on Falcon 9 rocket, and of course SpaceX without who’s cooperation this unique dram would not have been possible.

Sláinte

  

 

 • • •

 

This is of course a work of pure fiction. Parody. Satire. 

As you know I love peated whisky. The smokier the better. The Islay whiskies are the smokiest of all. My whisky cabinet is replete with a variety of Islay whiskies. When I can find it (and afford it) one of my favorites is Bruichladdich OCTOMORE. I am also a big fan of Elon Musk and SpaceX. A quick search of this blog will reveal many posts covering Bruichladdich, OCTOMORE, and SpaceX.

While researching my post on OCTOMORE 06.3/ 258 PPM I ran across a YouTube review of OCTOMORE by someone who clearly did NOT like peated whisky. That got me thinking about writing a review for a fictitious peated whisky that was so clearly over the top that even peat lovers would get a chuckle out of it. OCTO X is this whisky.

This post is a tribute to Bruichladdich and SpaceX, whose forward thinking are propelling us into the 21st century and beyond.

See also  OCTOMORE 06.3/ 258 PPM

Happy Aniversary

To me …

  

Katikaze

Although most Westerners mistakenly think it is ¡Bonzai!, the actual cry of the Kamikaze pilot was ¡Hissatsu! (“Certain Kill“).

  

Via iMessage from Mrs:

Good morning, I was walking into the kitchen and almost broke my neck ( the preceding drama brought to you by that fabled star of “trip me why don’t ya” … Patches) as I was turning into the kitchen.

  

 

Unlike our other cats who usually have the good sense to avoid being directly under foot, Patches seems to magically teleport directly in front of – or behind – you at the time most conducive to trip you up. She is worse than the proverbial puppy dog. 

HISSATSU … she hisses as you stumble across the room while trying to avoid crushing her.

A day without …

  

  

http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/abd4/   (out of stock)

  

https://www.etsy.com/listing/176132788/a-day-without-fusion-is-like-a-day  (text only)

  

Which reminds me of a story …

The astronomy professor just completed her lecture on the life cycle of the sun and had commented that the latest theories suggested that the Sun would run out of hydrogen in 2.8 billion years, killing all life on Earth.

A hand frantically waved in the back of the lecture hall.

“Question?” the professor asked.

“How much longer until the sun runs out of hydrogen?”

“Approximately 3 billion years.”

  

“Oh thank god,” the student uttered in obvious relief. “I thought you said million years.”

Escargot

After reading I want x2, wherein I comment on test driving the bullet-fast Tesla Model S P85D, my lifelong friend emailed me and commented:

Just be glad that you can’t afford it, because everybody will call you a snail …

… they’ll say “Look at that escargot!”

🙂

Now you know where my pun-ishing skills come from.

Apollo Retroreflectors

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http://www.xkcd.com/1441

Yet more proof that man really did walk on the moon.

IMG_3535.GIF

Left on the moon by Apollo missions 11, 14, and 15 the three retroreflectors continue to provide an ultra-precise means of determining Earth-Moon distance.

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lunar_Laser_Ranging_experiment

Retroreflectors provide surveyors a precise way of measuring point-to-point distance by timing the two-way time of a laser pulse. The optical design is such that reflected light is returned in the exact direction from which it was sent with very little scatter.

IMG_3536.JPG

These methods are faster, safer, and infinitely more accurate than measuring distance by stretching a long steel tape (called a chain for historical reasons) as I did in college surveying camp over 30 years ago. Laser range finders and retroreflectors are the mainstay of modern surveying. This technology did not become commercially available until the 1980s, yet NASA used it in 70s to accurately measure Earth-Moon distance.

With the right equipment anyone can measure the precise distance to the Moon and simultaneously confirm that MEN FROM THE PLANET EARTH
FIRST SET FOOT UPON THE MOON
JULY 1969 A.D.

IMG_3537.PNG

The Cost of Ignorance

We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology, in which hardly anyone knows anything about science and technology.

We have also arranged things so that almost no one understands science and technology. This is a prescription for disaster. We might get away with it for a while, but sooner or later this combustible mixture of ignorance and power is going to blow up in our faces.

Carl Sagan

Continue reading The Cost of Ignorance

Teenagers and texting: A guide for parents

ROTFLMAO … TNSTAAFL

lots-of-love

As depicted in the image above, parents know very little when it comes to their children and texting. In order to help better understand your children, please refer to the following information about texting:

Texting has become the main source of communication for teenagers between the ages of 12 and 23. In fact, the United States Census Bureau plans to change the official language of the United States from English to Texting within the next few years. For the parents who are unaware of what texting is, it can be thought of as writing someone a hand written letter, and then making that letter really really tiny and putting it inside your cellphone to send to others. Please note though, if you make a mistake, do not use white-out as you would on an actual letter.

Studies have shown that nearly 38% of teenagers text so frequently that they have lost…

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Watches | XKCD

Old people used to write obnoxious thinkpieces about how people these days always wear watches and are slaves to the clock, but now they've switched to writing thinkpieces about how kids these days don't appreciate the benefits of an old-fashioned watch. My position is: The word 'thinkpiece' sounds like a word made up by someone who didn't know about the word 'brain'.

(alt-txt)

Old people used to write obnoxious thinkpieces about how people these days always wear watches and are slaves to the clock, but now they’ve switched to writing thinkpieces about how kids these days don’t appreciate the benefits of an old-fashioned watch. My position is: The word ‘thinkpiece’ sounds like a word made up by someone who didn’t know about the word ‘brain’.

http://xkcd.com/1420/

TMNT | XKCD

IMG_3100.PNG
http://xkcd.com/1412/

Monday’s XKCD (above) made me go find the original theme song on YouTube (top).

In the late 80′ – early 90s TMNT were all the rage. The boys were little and between Christmas and birthdays we acquired every form of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle paraphernalia know to man. You name it we had it: action figures, weapons, vehicles, home-made VHS recordings of the TV shows, comic books (new and old). The show was on every afternoon after school around dinner time and I watched many an episode with the boys. We also saw the first several movies. The theme song was unquestionably catchy, humor childish but not always so, the plots predictable. But heck, I enjoyed it as much as the boys did.

It was a classic.